u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
