I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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