Barsexuality is the new black.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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