I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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