i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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