Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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