omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
