A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
