Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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