I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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