I was born with a shot glass in my hand
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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