its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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