but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
