just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
