at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
