i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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