it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
