Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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