you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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