Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize