i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's official drugs can't kill me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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