DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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