um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
