I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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