So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
