I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
