I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
