based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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