I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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