The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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