Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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