Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
