I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
