I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
