Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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