oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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