Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
