Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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