I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Drake has all the answers
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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