After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
