Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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