Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
