just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
