I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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