Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Randomize
