I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
