Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
