im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
