just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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