a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
