So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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