We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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