I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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