It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I forget how to act sober
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
