I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize