i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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