New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
