Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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